teetotaling

Fitness - If it came in a bottle, we’d all have a beautiful body.
(Cher)

It’s time to put the bottles down. It’s time to strut that gut.

I’ve belonged to several Brooklyn gyms, including The Metropolitan Pool and Recreation Center and Slope Health and Fitness, but my taste [somehow] aligns with Gawker’s: The Greenpoint YMCA was The Best.

WHY? I’m an Asocial Gym-goer.

(image: courtesy Franco’s Individualized Training)

An Asocial Gym-goer’s “WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A GYM” criteria:
1. near home to a) allow for the shortest period of visibility on The Streets in tacky, not quite meant for the gym, default-attire; b) minimize locker room time
2. CHEAP
3. high machine/user ratio
4. almost barren of gym-talk intelligible to English-speaking monolinguists

Had I realized Gawker was at the Y in ‘06, well…

In any case, the shift from mingling in bars and drug dens, to socializing outside of them, means rethinking asocial tendencies.

pole dancing battle scars (image: courtesy Aradia Addicts)

With yesterday’s beer goggles busted off, exercising in mass can be re-seen as “an opportunity for conversation,” so query a directory for gyms that host classes (i.e. Crunch’s nationally-notorious pole dancing), or find standalone classes at a studio (i.e. pilates, martial arts, etc.).

If you’re more into sports than exercise-in-itself, your company/union/neighborhood organization might sponsor a “league.” Otherwise, check the general listings for Amateur and Recreational Sports Leagues in New York City and get in The Game.

Even for the most friendless, co-dependent serial monogamists among us, the “existential crisis” of being alone need not entail the next horizon of intoxication.

(image: courtesy Not Mr. Right’s blog)

Besides, drugs can affect your appearance, infringing on the quest for the next commitment-phob, or new old friends.

So if you need to escape, but lack an entourage, just take to NYC’s ever-evolving Scenic Sidewalk.

(photo: courtesy The Scenic Sidewalk of art by Swoon)

And make The Best of it; by bike or by foot.

“…so you want to be a rock n’ roll star… then listen now to what I say, just get an electric guitar…take some time and learn how to play…”
(The Byrds)

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”
(Aristotle)

Don’t toss yourself out!

Consider enrichment. Consider the amassing of “mad skillz.” NYC’s overrun with experts. Let ‘em school you, in [special interest] NIGHT CLASS. For, “…the educated differ from the uneducated as much as the living from the dead.”

Try increasing your literacy in foreign languages, your international awareness and your hire-ability [aka "higher abilities"] in this economic storm; bone up on digital photography techniques for upcoming opportunities like Brooklyn Museum’s crowd-curated exhibition Click!; learn to cook and eat better, experiment with life drawing, practice acting and meet charismatics [not the religious kind, though maybe those too].

The Gist: The better-honed your crafts under expert tutelage, the greater number of opportunities for putting your abilities to use, and your increased capacity for satisfaction.

Maybe you just need to find the right robot cowboy to teetotal with.

(photo: courtesty robot cowboy), OMG.

How’dya, given that you aren’t bringing bones back from the bars, you’ve crapped too much in your own backyard (friend-wise) and you work alongside “faithfully devoted” baby boomers? Well, ONLINE there’s um “Internet Dating” (i.e. nerve, match, okcupid), predatory social networking on less awkwardly blatant flirt sites (i.e. myspace, friendster, facebook) and ehem blogs/forums.

If you’re not good enough at Photoshopping your Photobooth headshots into godliness to bump self-portrait threads, you can go-at-it in mass in person at “Singles” events, (i.e. speed dating), young cultural enthusiast functions (i.e. Museums) or join the *NEWLY* developed BKLYN-specific pheromone-mediation club (Brooklyn is For Lovers).

But a real benefit to teetotaling is that you’ll be sober, and sobriety means, KILLING TIME. The time you used to spend blacked out or watching wood-grain morph into rams. Killing time entails HOBBIES. And hobbies are good ways to meet people, with “common interests,” i.e. role-playing crumbling-Mayan-civilization:

Zero Wolf, of Apocalypto (Gibson, 2006), also OMG

So, start hobbying.

The [indie rock] Music Scene in NYC largely overlaps The Bar Scene, with bars doubling as performance venues and watering holes spouting out of concert hall flooring.

Still, we all need to sneak the occasional show in, and tonight is the first of Fortified Winter Antifolk Festival 2008 at The Fort aka the backroom of Sidewalk Cafe (94 Avenue A; the birthplace of the antifolk movement) with musicians all night every night (through February 29) starting at 7:30pm.

The concert is free and there’s a “two drink minimum,” but according to the hostess, any two drinks will do “two coffees, two teas, two cokes.” So have at it!

The Antifolk Documentary

Jeffrey Lewis, Antifolk Artist Extraordinaire

And, if you consider antifolk to be The Bane, there are alternatives. About.com provides a wide angle view of standard music venues, while Oh My Rockness lists indie rock venues and keeps a curated concert calendar.

ALVY: Oh, you-you have to be artificially relaxed before we can go to bed?
ANNIE: Well, what’s the difference, anyway?
ALVY: Well, I’ll give you a shot of sodium pentothal. You can sleep through it…it ruins it for me if you have grass because, you know, I’m, like, a comedian, so if I get a laugh from a person who’s high, it doesn’t count. You know, ’cause they’re always laughin’.
(Annie Hall, 1977)

Tonight, consider COMEDY.

While my favorite comedian is currently O.O.S, there are plenty of people in NYC figuring out what’s funny, i.e.

Demetri Martin: Comedian NY, NY (Actually, Demetri is also on tour, BUT).

If you want to see something NEW, TELL YOUR FRIENDS! is a [generally] free series at Lolita (266 Broome St.) at 8pm on Monday nights. It’s known as a “workout comedy room” where comedians can try out new material, and writers can stretch their legs. Monday night also means the New Talent Showcase at Comedy Village; and this Monday The Upright Citizen’s Brigade is hosting two “SPANK”in’ news shows for $5.

If you’re looking for something more standard, there’s a full line up at the Comedy Cellar, and several of the other clubs, including an “all pro” show at Gotham.